Saturday, November 2, 2013

Human Resource

Here is my online dating profile in its full glory. It works as literature but fails miserably in its purported goal of attracting human contact. I seldom visit the website or initiate contact but recently I updated my pictures and decided to preserve my profile's contents here.



Greetings, woman.

Take everything I write below with a grain of salt.

I am a liar. But you're a bigger liar than I am. And you know it.

Like parallel parking, internet dating is not something I like to do (and I am as shitty at internet dating as I am at parallel parking), but, after being thru with college, there are only so many ways to meet people. (This is a horrible, shitty way to meet people, but it presents opportunities. )

So feel free to lazily glance over my profile and make superficial judgments about my worth as a human being.

I'm a twenty-something guy. I graduated from Ohio State with a Political Science degree, went to Seattle for two years and then came back here because of a strange personal calamity.

Now I'm here scheming to get back to the West Coast. I feel more at home there. Ohio is nice in many ways, but my life here reminds me of being in a coma thus I am eager to leave.

I'm also a Russian, I'm sorry I may look like a nice WASP in my pictures, but I come from a country that is associated in people's minds with alcoholism, crime, dictatorship and prostitution. These associations are unfair and capture only one side of the Russian reality. Its certainly there but should't define a whole people.

I've lived in America since I've been twelve, I have a slight Russian accent, I don't wear Adidas tracksuits and carry a Vodka-filled flask. But a Cold War residue of Russophobia might linger in you're heart. And if it does. I don't know... go fuck yourself.

It's ridiculous to write words and post pictures of yourself in an attempt to get people to like you on a website. I hate the whole process, much of what I read on here is so corny and pointless.

As I wrote in a message to a girl in here, "Any idea of self people have about themselves is an illusion. Online dating is making yourself into a product. So its creating a lie on top of the illusion." That's why my attitude is what it is.

(my name on that website is "Zen" hence the paragraph below)

Don't worry. I'm not an angry person, not as angry as this profile can make me sound. Just tired of the bullshit. I am Zen, in a sense of a Zen master who hits his lethargic pupil. Though I don't believe in violence or hitting people. I don't even believe in using the word "pupil." And I would most likely change my username on here if the website didn't charge money for that privilege.

What I’m doing with my life

Important things and not so important things

I’m really good at

I'm good at catching things when they fall.

The first things people usually notice about me

People notice my height. I'm tall.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

Blue Velvet is my favorite movie. I love how that film weaves together the banality of life with evil and misery. Its a really original film.


"So you can stick your little pins in that voodoo doll
I'm very sorry, baby, doesn't look like me at all
I'm standing by the window where the light is strong
Ah they don't let a woman kill you
Not in the Tower of Song"

Leonard Cohen

The six things I could never do without

1) the vague presence of empathy in the world
2) freedom to make changes in my life (not being stuck)
3) Buddhism
4) intelligent people who try to be genuine (intelligent people who are not genuine are the scum of the earth)
5) ability to learn new things
6) the theoretical possibility of romantic love

I spend a lot of time thinking about

"Form is emptiness and emptiness is form."

On a typical Friday night I am

...having sex with your mother.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

One time I gave a beggar $20, he looked up at me immediately and asked, "Got a cigarette?"


At this point this whole profile is sort of a joke.

You should message me if're easy on the eye and don't think in linear ways.

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